On cleverness

A sure path to madness is to spend too much of your time wondering about what other people think of you. It's a sad fact that the people least touched by self-doubt (or at least by objectivity) are those most in need of a healthy dose of it: politicians, many celebrities, and so on.

I am, I like to think, clever. I also like to think I'm handsome, although I like to think it in the same way I like to think I'm the secret boyfriend of Anton Antipov, i.e. it's a daydream, albeit a very pleasurable one, which can only last until Mr Reality comes for a visit. Fortunately on the cleverness front, other people sometimes agree with me (they are tactfully quiet on the handsomeness front, and as for Anton, well, no-one is supposed to know so I tend to keep it in the category of unconfirmed delusion). But I wonder if they're wrong.

I've just finished watching a BBC screenplay, Blue/Orange. A charming, charming play. You see, I watch things on BBC4, hence I am clever. I can't, however, claim to understand it. I often wonder about people who are able to say things like "oh the consultant represents the establishment's view of racism, he is pragmatic but often found lacking, while the younger doctor is more caring but at the same time judgemental and angry at the lack of appreciation", whereas my summary is more along the lines of "there were two doctors, right, and a black patient who was a bit nuts - no, I don't know him - and they, erm, talked a lot about whether or not to section him and they got really quite angry". Blue/Orange is not the only play I do not understand.

If it were just cereberal drama which manages to elude my heightened IQ then my claim to cleverness would surely be undisputed (although, I am sure, sneered at by a lot of drama critics). Anyone making claims to cleverness should be capable with a cryptic crossword (and alliteration), and I'm sorry but those are not anagrams, some of the letters are missing. Also, most "literature" bores me to tears, and even though I remain unconvinced that anyone has ever fully read Ulysses I really should see more beauty in Shakespeare.

I'm beginning to think I'm an idiot savant: someone with a few, highly elevated skills in particular areas, but otherwise, well, an idiot. And with my skills being around computers and what-not, I'm hardly going to be the subject of an oscar-winning, heart-stirring Hollywood blockbuster. Ah, lack of Hollywood appeal, yet another talent I appear to be lacking.

On the other hand, perhaps I should take BBC4 dramas a little less seriously. And that young doctor did look ever so handsome.

Oh! My! God!

How ironic that at a time when I've been most sociable, I've had my lowest electronic presence. Further evidence for Fuld's hypothesis: there is an inverse relationship between your social life and electronic life. I have started using those fancy online social network things - linked in and facebook - the latter with some guilt, since I've always dismissed it as something for 12 year olds (although I'm not entirely convinced that I was wrong).

Unfortunately this is not a happy turnaround in my condition, but a matter of necessity. The credit cluster nut crunch has claimed me as its victim; having surrounded three rounds of redundancies, the entire organisation went all-in and declared bankruptcy. Looking on the positive side proved difficult (no pay cheque, no job, and a few thousand other people competing with you for roles where no-one was hiring). Still, this time has taught me some very interesting things which I thought I would share with my vast readership ...

#1: I'm good in a crisis. Despite feeling run-over by a bus I had made a plan. It was not a terribly sophisticated plan (pay off all bills now, cancel unnecessary expenses, keep in contact with people senior enough to have discretion to hire in their next role, etc.) but it was better than standing around all day saying "oh my god".

#2: People are kinder than you think. I often look on my fellow man with a mans-inhumanity-to-man cynicism, and although I still hold that view, the genuine emotion with which people reacted when I told them came as a surprise.

#3: Your workplace can be your family. I was always told to save enough money to deal with times like this - and I have - but it was upsetting to see the grim situation of those who had not, or had not been in work long enough to do so, and my initial efforts were to find these people jobs and help them (a story repeated across all levels of maagement). Similarly, the actions of the most senior people and their lack of loyalty was gut-wrenching, and the actions of their immediate subordinates - negotiating as one group for all their teams - was heart-warming.

#4: I will be OK. In the end I got a new job, in fact I fell on my feet.

#5: Recruitment agents are scum.

"Well, Laphroaig, you aced the interview."
"Great."
"They're going to offer you the job."
"Super!"
"There's a 10k pay cut and at a junior level."
[Silence]
"I could try negotiating them higher. But I suggest you take it. It would be great for your career. Good prospects. And the mindless nature of the work gives you time to think about other things."
"I see."
"And I'm not saying that just to get my fee."
"No, I'm sure you're not."

#6: I would make a terrible recruitment agent. I have a little graduate here who needs a job. Who deserves a job. Despite my strenuous efforts I have been unable to make any progress. (Quite why I'm trying so hard is beginning to confuse me, I feel oddly paternal. I seemed to have adopted him in the same way some people do lost kittens.)

#7: Morality is difficult, and management decisions should weigh heavily. If you can save the jobs of one person, and you have two candidates, do you give it to the person best for the role, or the person most in need of employment? And are you able to deal with that second person's tears?

Out of every crisis, they say, comes a winner. I wonder if I will fall on the winning side, and how my new employer will shape-up. And, distantly and uncomfortably, I feel guilty for those - such as "my" graduate - who look likely to fall on the losing side.