Credit cluster nut crunch

I started to write a blog about the credit crunch, but it was too boring ... even for a blog. What it came down to was that the term "credit crunch" is being used by a whole bunch of people who don't know what it means. That includes me, although more worryingly it seems to include a lot of journalists as well.

Journalists have me over a barrel. Not literally, of course (barrels are such an awkward shape), and not really metaphorically since I am not a vapid, artless, dim-witted, publicity-hungry celebrity who needs the journalists whilst simultaneously despising their intrusion into my private life. Or ... am I? Well, no, when I last checked Britney Spears had not hidden from publicity by taking a technical role in an investment bank although they assure me that Paris Hilton pulled her weight in the UK and Domestic settlements team, they decided further celebrity internships were probably a mistake. The problem with the press is that on one hand you suspect they're a bunch of good-for-nothing ignorant buffoons who spend most of their time trying to fabricate conflict where none exists or willfully misunderstanding it where it does exist, but on the other anyone who tries to regulate them is clearly an I-am-not-mad-but-those-investigate-reporters-were-really-rude-and-deserved-to-be-hung good-for-nothing dictator who is overly sensitive to ... well, usually everything. But, really, shouldn't someone be able to ban the Daily Mail?

"Lord Vader?"
"Ah, my spin doctor."
"I prefer the term communication analyst."
"As you wish."
"Well, Lord Vader, we've been rather high profile, haven't we?"
"High profile? I destroyed the planet Alderaan and all its inhabitants. I have crushed the rebel alliance beneath my heel. I have total dominance of the galaxy."
"The Sun has this whole thing about you having an eating disorder."
"An ... eating disorder?"
"Yes. I know, I know. But they're calling you Lard Vader."
"Lard Vader? Surely no-one believes these lies?"
"The Independent is running another story about the budget for the Death Star. Calling it a white elephant. Said the trial run was unconvincing."
"It is the ultimate weapon in the galaxy!"
"Fortunately the papers were all distracted by this Lindsay Lohan thing."
"Ah yes, the Lohan."
"Off the wagon again."
"My jedi mind tricks have more uses than you can possibly imagine."
"You convinced Lindsay Lohan to get drunk?"
"It was not hard."
"I ... see. Well, we needed a distraction. Now, if we could just organise a photo-shoot? You and a lettuce? Lord Vader tucks in to a healthy salad before crushing the rebel crisp-eating scum? That kind of thing?"

Although I hesitate to use the term "insider" (I'm as close to the problem as the tea-boy is, and speak with a similar level of authority), I do sometimes wonder if the whole point isn't being missed, or perhaps willfully missed.

"So, Laphroaig, these toxic assets."
"They're not really toxic."
"Well perhaps from a health and safety point of view, but an accountant may disagree."
"No, really. I mean when you think of these securitised mortgage-backed thingies ..."
"But you didn't think, did you, you just saw greed!"
"No, I mean, maybe, but I mean they're just bonds, really."
"Bonds. Zzzzzzzzzzz."
"The payments on the bonds are made from everybody's mortgage payments."
"Ah ha! The collapsing mortgage market!"
"Are you just trying to provoke an argument?"
"Panic!"

Which is fine with the credit-crisis nonsense, but how many other areas of news reporting are being misreported? Georgia? Darfur? China? How many politicians / aid-workers / scientists / experts in their field scream at the TV screen "you've completely missed the point"? How accurate is my perception of the Georgian crisis (summary: Russia is nasty)? How many of those reports "critical of the government" are no such thing? It places an intriguing perspective on life when you start reflecting that most current affairs reporting might be, at best, a heavily distorted truth (or, more likely, a heavily distorted press release from the most friendly government).

The problem with that kind of thinking is it rapidly leads to the conclusion that the royal family are a bunch of alien serpents. Sometimes a little conformity is no bad thing.

Dive right in, the therapy's lovely

The therapist raises the idea of role play and its evident by the gratuitous rolling of eyes that role play is not for me. I can't be an easy patient: for a start, I am guarded, and not in that intriguing dark-secrets-lurk-beneath-the-surface way that marks a really good television drama; more in that "hello I'm Laphroaig and I am totally normal" sort of way, which is a bit of a barrier when you've chosen to receive therapy. My other issue is that I am far too polite, "what do you think about that?" he often asks to my pointedly interested although vaguely skeptical expression, as if he is the patient and I am the therapist trying to be encouraging.

"And of course your job is very demanding."
"Well, it was."
"And that leaves very little time for your personal life."
"Well, it did."
"And leaves you very tired."
"Well, I was."
"So perhaps we should look at your hours. What do you think about that?"
"Done that. Been there. Didn't help. Good idea though."

After a couple of weeks of disagreeing in a polite but mildly patronising way it began to dawn on me that I had a larger role in this relationship than acting as a psychological rubik's cube. Perhaps I'm supposed to help. This is not as easy as it sounds. While there's a definite narcistic appeal to whittering on about yourself constantly (blog, anyone?), like many other forms of self-pleasure it is considered impolite in company. There's also the disappointment of discovering that you're more day-time TV than classic mini-series.

"I think it might be ... my father."
"I see. Your father."
"Yes, resentment of my father."
"Which pop psychology textbook did you get that from?"
"Erm, one given to me by my mother?"
"Your mother? Christ, what is this, a quick tour of psychology cliches?"

It's hardly the dramatic tension of a Cracker interview, is it? Really, you've got to start ringing alarm bells when your own therapy bores yourself. Although, coming to think about it, being less interesting might be just what I need ...