Summertime and the living is easy

Summer brings an abundance of that migratory creature: the intern. They swarm, bright-eyed and slightly frightened with dreams of mega-bucks deals clearly visible in their eyes. Usually they get sent to me.

"What's your job, Laphroaig?"
"That's a very good question."
[Expectant silence]
"Let me know if you ever find the answer."
[Slightly dumb-founded look]

Then we get them to do some filing.

Roles and responsibilities, job titles, performance-measurement ... all these things are important; if an employer attempts to change your title from "Project Delivery Manager" to "Convicted Fraudster" it should, in general, be resisted - such titles can be quite unflattering on a CV - and is a sign that either you've really annoyed someone in HR, or that they're on to you, or that they're trying to prevent you from leaving without that tedious expense of higher salaries.

Fortunately my current job title is of no help at all. Electronic Client Person, is fraught with ambiguities.

"So, you're electronic?"
"In a sense, yes."
"Does that mean you're a creature of pure energy?"
"Ummmm, no."
"Ah, I see. Electronic Client ... Person. Your clients are creatures of pure energy?"
"Ah, no."
"Probably for the best. Not much of a market I suppose?"
"Ah, I suppose not."
"Can you shoot electricity out of your hands?"
"Well, no."
"That's rather disappointing. I have to say, Mr Laphroaig. This job title is blatantly misleading and fraught with ambiguities."

This could work in my favour. I could do nothing all day, turning away all work by adopting a Dick Van Dyke Cockney accent and saying "love to help you, guv'nor, can't do it I'm afraid, not my job you see, boss would go maaaaaad if I took it on". Alternatively I could just attach myself to the project with the best-looking men on it and use meetings as a sort of mini speed-dating. Perhaps not the best idea with redundancy in the air.

And so I have become something more esoteric.
NB - The ninjawords definition of esoteric concludes with "and without obvious practical application".
I flit from project to project as instructed. This, of course, means they're rubbish projects typically in trouble. I have started to lobby HR for an official job title of Trouble-Shooter as part of a five-step plan to allow me to bring guns into the office and shoot anyone who annoys me.

"You ... you ... you shot the lead deveoper!"
"He was trouble. So I shot him. That's what I do."
"But ..."
"You ain't givin' me trouble, are you?"

However, they made the excellent observation "who the hell do you think you are?" and I do suppose that such a job title has an inherent ability to insult.

"We've drafted Laphroaig on to your project."
"I didn't realise we were in trouble."
"Well the project is late. And he writes dreadfully nice e-mails."

And so with one mega project done and dusted, it is time to move on. And while I love to complain about my odd-job man role, at least I get the variety (i.e. a constant state of change, not the entertainment magazine, investment banking has not yet reached the levels where compensation is in the form of glossy magazines) and with it the challenge and, no doubt, the lack of recognition at the end of year promotion bout.

"So, Laphroaig, what's his job?"
"I can't say for sure, but he's very useful. That's why we thought of promoting him."
"Yes, my secretary's very useful. Shoots lightning bolts out of her hands. Is he a secretary?"
"Could be. Sort of greases the wheels."
"So an odd-job man?"
"Don't think so."
"Bartender?"
"Maybe. He sorts of looks after problem projects, but then they always get better by themselves so we have to move him on again."
"Oh, a vagrant?"
"Could be. He looked after that mega project."
"Oh that one. What happened to that?"
"It went live."
"I didn't notice."
"You weren't supposed to, I think."
"Should we be promoting people for things we don't notice?"
"Maybe next year."

Would I have it any other way? And so I smile at my interns.

"Sometimes we need ambiguity in job roles. It's a good thing."
"Really?"
"Yes. It ensures gaps are filled and it gives me variety."
"Oooo, can I borrow? There's a really interesting article about Angelina Jolie."